I’ve been a bit silent on social media of late – I just haven’t felt like I had anything constructive, or funny to say, nothing that I wanted to ‘share’ with the swathes of internet leeches that are just dying to jump on any sign of weakness within a person. That being said, the likes of Twitter is abundant in personalities who are actually far more outreaching than those in your ‘real’ day to day lives… Is it any wonder so many people find themselves getting lost in the ether that is ‘Second Reality’.
Yet, I digress, the reason for my inability to think of any witty remarks, or to feel engaged with the top trends of the the days and weeks, is that I am at a loss; I just don’t know how to behave right now. Some of you might think something terrible must have happened in my life, something so diabolical, dark and dire that I have no reaction but to not react.
And I guess this is true. On the very day that I returned from New York City with my family, I lost my best friend. My dog.
I don’t quite know why I feel the need to write about this experience, but hey that is what I do, whether it be written, audio or visual. This is my escape, getting lost in the words that I type and hopefully allowing anyone who can relate, to read these words and understand.
I never thought I would react in the way I have since we had to make the horrific decision to ‘let Archie go’, in that he was put to sleep, euthanised, but I have become mopey, silent, introverted, speaking only when I need to, and pushing away anyone who gets in touch (which isn’t many, I might add). I still expect to see him come running whenever I open the fridge, welcome me as I open the door, be lying at the top of the stairs first thing in the morning watching over as if guarding us whilst we slept, and the fact that he isn’t, and will never do so again, just seems so fabricated to me.
Archie was over 11 years old, definitely an elder for a Cocker Spaniel, and yet he seemed so full of life, a puppy from the way he acted, his deterioration in health came at the snap of a finger, and before we knew it, he wasn’t eating and his movement was very limited.
You know that they say your life flashes before your eyes in times of utmost peril and supposed imminent death? Well, it definitely seems the same when someone else is suffering that ‘inevitability’. I held my best friend as he succumbed to the overdose of anaesthetic, and it was as if HIS entire life flashed before my very eyes; I recalled when we first picked him up, the runt of his litter, he fell asleep in my lap on the drive home – 8 weeks old.
He was always the happiest of animals, never gave us any problems at all. It was strange, we never actually had to house train him – he just always wanted to do his business outside, once he knew where outside was, he was sorted; and he never chewed anything, he was quite content with his toys. Archie was definitely a happy little dog, one we were incredibly proud to call part of our family.
This little guy saw me through my GCSEs, A Levels, Degree and since, he was like my big teddy bear when I needed a cuddle in the darkest of times… He just knew and would be in my room sitting on the carpet looking at me, and people say animals don’t understand us humans, Pah! I feel like I have lost part of myself, and I want him to come back so much.
To those who don’t quite understand the connection between a dog and his master, a member of my family has passed away, and I have no idea how to react to this. I held him as he ‘fell asleep’, and I feel more guilty than you will ever imagine – what if we took him the vet earlier, what if we attempted some form of treatment. It’s feelings like this, that make me shudder when I think of how many animals are mistreated and abandoned; how can someone, anyone, do such a thing to a creature that just wants to love you, and be loved in return?!
I appreciate this is an experience that I went through, none of you reading will have met my best friend, but I just needed to do something, to stop the moping, to vent my feelings and frustrations into something. To verbalise my pain, hurt and suffering. Maybe this will aid in my moving on, maybe it won’t… I just needed to do it.